Category: the Rant Board
Yup! Now I truly know that the world is full of immoral bastards! Damned heathens I tells ya'! Why am I angry? Well then, answer me this: How would you feel, if you had eaten animal crackers since you were a child, and then one day you went to the grocery store to buy food along with a bag of your favorite crackers and, to your disgust, you open the bag ready to eat what you've been eating for well over two decades but find yourself standing there holding in your hand, not your usual scrumptious animal cracker, but what can only be the work of a depraved cookie maker?
Well that's exactly what's happened to me more than a few times now. I buy my groceries at the usual market and I don't plan on changing my regular visits there on account of this experience.
Apparently, some heathens working for the cookie company seem to be mashing the crackers together while still bland so that they harden into a mating position. Just imagine that: nauseating, isn't it?
Now thanks to these bastards I find myself reconsidering the short and long term consequences of what ought to be an unconscious act: eating a cracker. Is it safe indeed seeing that depraved minds such as these are the ones making them? Just imagine how hard it is for me. I'm standing there with two animal crackers mashed together in a mating position. I mean, am I being paranoid? In such a case, wouldn't you also think twice before putting another cracker into your mouth? And don't try to tell me the cookies come that way because they're thrown into the package while still bland enough to miraculously come together in such a position. Yeah right! Believe me, the freakin' crackers come deliberately mashed that way.
Who in the world is responsible for making these crackers anyway: some wierdo who enjoys watching animals mating on National Geographic? Okay, now I think I'm ready to vomit...
Damned immoral bastards! Damned heathen bastards! You'll never take my scrumptious crackers away! No! Never!
Just, rofl, lmao, hahahahehehehehahahahah... All of it!
o my god! roflroflroflrofl that was great!
I have no idea if you were trying to be funny or not but, you succeeded anyway! lmao
Eerie Silence, that takes the concept of oral sex to a whole new level. I can't even think of what it does to beastiality!
I am a sucker for animal crackers.
Bob
lol, makes me think, just what they mite be putting in them there crackers.? um no thanks you can have them all. lol
I can't believe you guys are getting a kick out of what these freakin' heathens are doing to my eating habits!
It's humorous I admit, but still sadly true, or at least for me it is because I can't go without a cracker for more than a day. They're so good, so irresistible that now I don't know if it's safe enough to just ignore the damned thing and keep eating them.
Yeah, that's right, I don't give a damn if I come out sounding like the little child who didn't get a cookie!
Someone oughta report these cookingmaking devils to the proper authorities and have 'em thrown in the slammer for indecency or something.
Bob, you say you're a sucker for animal crackers, but what, if anything, does this do to your consumption of them? Aren't you as disgusted as I am? Or am I taking it too far? I don't know...
Maybe the cookie companies are at war with each other and we don't even know it. Maybe this was a failed attempt to bring down the company that made these animal crackers. Who knows? I mean, how easy would it be for one company to send a goon into another company to make such shameful things as animal-mating, action-figure crackers? I don't know. But it just may be. It just may be.
This all reminds me of the first time I heard the slogan: Lays, get your smile on!
Needless to say, I was quite vexed, and took my complaint to Trojan, as I'm sure they would frown heavily upon their fine products being associated with a natural function of the human face.
The lack of response I received still troubles me to this moment. This portrayal had shaken me to my core, had torn my mortal soul asunder, and a mere "contact us" web form was to drowned all woe?
Not bloody likely!
While one of my complaints went unrequited, I knew in my deepest heart of hearts the response I would receive from lays would be far more satisfactory.
Thus, I pleaded with a bot in an on line lays "customer support" chat room.
Some of us, ya know, have vivid imaginations. I am one such afflicted. The mere name of your company, printed upon a bag of delicacies in which I am currently partaking, evokes images best unseen by the eating.
What? How are you? Don't bloody change the subject here... I could sue your establishment for loss of brain cells, the needless synaptic traffic such images cause, loss of meals, and thus, damages, totaling about the sum of a mop and a good bottle of your cleanser of choice.
The bot left...
Well, I did hear something about elves rebelling somewhere in the world.
Frankly, ES, doesn't effect me at all, in fact I just took it as a natural function of the cookies themselves, built in by elves, don't you know, and never thought about it after that. Now, I think you've ruined my gastronomic world. Thanks a lot.
Bob
I sympathize with you Jmbauer my friend. Who knows, maybe if I or anybody else complains, the same response you received will be our same fate. The base bastards are powerful, I tells ya'!
And now as for you, Bob: to hell with your damned gastronomitis! What about me and the psychological pain you've cause me? I'm just now comprehending your comments about oral sex and bestiality on post 5. What an ink blot on my innocent conscience. What in the heck our you trying to do to me? Ha ha ha! I hadn't even thought about that.
But now that you've brought that to my attention, you've sealed the deal. At first the pornographic animal crackers themselves were nauseating, but now with your comments the whole deal seems even sicker! No way! Those damned crackers won't be going in this mouth anymore. Lord have mercy!
You see what you've done to me? You, you bastards, whoever you are! You've taken away my cookies, my tasty little cookies! You'll pay for this!
Ohmygod. Just...fucking...lmfaolmfaolmfao. Hahahaaahahhhahahahaahahahhhahahahahaaahahahaha!
Am I the only person who could really go for some animal crackers after reading this post? Surely not...
I'm amused by this. A cookie is a cookie! I don't care rather it's crushed crumbled or whatever, it's still a cookie!:)
Troy
i would still eat it. as long as it tastes good...
Bottom line:
If the cookies look of mating, who cares?
If the cookies smell of mating...
ahahahaha! rofl!
*leaves board post happily singing*
Animal crackers in my soup
Monkeys and rabbits loop the loop
Gosh oh gee but I have fun
Swallowing animals one by one...
well, if it were my own mating juices, i'd think about it. hahahahaha
Sarah, rofl!
Lmfao Sarah.
Ah yes. More of Satan's plans to totally ruin our Victorian atitudes towards sex and to try and keep us from feeling all the guilt and shame we deserve to feel for having any pleasure at all. Life is supposed to be punishment, not reward! I'll send my brothers and sisters to their factories and bomb them in the name of our creator!
Now, you are my kind of guy Godzilla-On-Toast. Here, have a cookie. No, take two: they're stuck together.
Bob
Here, I made you a batch of cookies but do to the humidity they are stuck together, but they are still good! Here, take one.
Troy
You wanna know what yu all are? You're all a buncha cookies! You can all have each other. That's how you all like it. God damn!
Hey, cut it out. With a cookie cutter, of course.
Bob
wow, just... fucken lmfaolmfaolmfaolfao! Dunnow if I wanna eat animal crackers again, though. ES I see where you're coming from, but... what are you the little spoiled child who hasn't had her cookie? ok, shutting up. This is funny as hell!
Now hear this! We shall eat as many cookies, stuck together or otherwise. A cookie stuck to another cookie that looks like a rat's testical won't stop me from eating it! It's a damn cookie for christ sake! Coffee anyone? lmfaolmfao!
Mmm...coffee. Yay!
Lmfao...I'm not sure which is funnier, the original post or the replies.
Eerie Silence, let's figure out a few things.
First, Are animal crackers the only food you have a problem with? How about pringles? They're stacked, nicely fit, ontop of each other, salty, crunchy, yummy. How about pretzils. They're twisted, andyet no one found a sexual connotation in them? If you're not willing ot change where you buy yoru groceries, then my take is you deserve all the cokie tears you can every want to cry. Don't forget to spill milk, that's the best thing to cry over.
Madam Vel,
Next time be sure you understand what a person has written before you judge or condemn the person.
The reason why I have a problem with the animal crackers I've encountered at times is that the makers deliberately smashed them together that way. The fact that I saw them was purely accidental on my part.
And I said I'm not going to change my shopping place because the cookies aren't made there.
The bastardly cookie makers are responsible for making the cookies, not me; and it wouldn't be hard for a simpleton to understand the message those bastards were trying to send. No great task was needed to find a "sexual connotation" as you've said.
My original intent in writing this post was spurred on solely by what I believed was a legitimate grievance with the cookie makers.
And in my defense I believe I clarified this point on post ten. It was our fellow zoners who blew this all out of proportion, not me.
As for having problems with other food: I don't like spicy food that stings my tongue like holy water sprinkled on a demon, and I love beans but have a problem with what they do to the bowels. Notice here that there is no sexual connotation as you've said.
You should be more sympathetic with me: I've gone cold turkey for almost a week now.
I think, what we have here is a strong case of mislaid aggression.
Mr. (or is it ms) ES, how do you know it's the cookie makers (little elves, as I explained earlier).
Couldn't the poor little cookies get into that position on their on? After all, they are animal cookies, and thus have arms and legs with which to move inside the box (much less your bowels, forget the beans).
And, as long as we are analizing your predicament: how long have you had a problem with beastiality.
Okay, your time is up.
Next patient.
Dr. Bob
Eerie Silence, let's keep discussing this, because I still find it hilarious. Do you understand that in your posts, anyway you've come across as the I want what I can't have, spoiled child here? I'm not saying that someone may not agree with your oppinion, but look at it this way. You have a right to be frustrated I'll give you that. But couldn't you calmly enough ask, hey does anyone realize that animal crackers that I'm fond of, have been completely mesed, and then go on to explain yourself? We all have choices in life, you hate spicy food, I wouldn't eat it. You have a problem with beans making you fart, or another not so pleasant aspect, again don't eat them. if you won't change your shopping place, try online ordering, see if that gets you anywhere.
Bob, are you serious? Do they really? Have you seen them? Gee, then that explains everything! And I was thinking the companies were at war, heh, heh. The little crackers just got that way, heh, heh.
I guess I can go on eating them, then; as many as I like. Hurray!
And I don't have to walk in your counsel, O your highness, your greatness, Madam Vel.
O my children, my children, my poor simple children! How slow to learn from the Master of Hypocrisy!
Yes, I like you Bob. So wicked, so wicked! Just my type...
christ on a fucking animal cracker! this is fucking helarious!
Well, I wanna see animal crackers fuck, could result in larger bags of crackers for me! I love them and will continue to love them! especially if they continue to fuck.
chelsea, I too would like animal crackers and coffee after reading this board. it's the funniest shit I've read in awhile...
Oh my gosh! You guys are absolutely hilarious! Reading all these posts, had me literally laughing out loud! Great job! I needed the laugh! Keep it up!
Thanks for the laughs!:)
Troy
so, seeing how the topic has progressed, should this topic be moved to the joke board? lol
Hey all I said was she should try online ordering, I never said I was better then her, or him since this person won't fill out a profile. See silence, ehre is where i could make comments ranging from your sexual orientation, to maybe the fact that you had something happen to you. But despite your views, I'm not heartless. So please, at least give us a gender, we're all curious.
O Madam Vel, my poor child, Tell you? And spoil all the fun in this satire? Nonsense!
But you can go on speculating about me. I was raped by a gorilla...I was violated by the neanderthals in this ghetto north of skidrow...I was molested by my daddy when he took me horseback riding...whatever you so desire...
And thanks for showing compassion or interest or whatever it might be toward me, a dirty rotten hermaphrodite! But your not my type, so consider yourself lucky.
Hypocrisy, mystery, and comedy go hand in hand
In a carefully calculated plan
/si far we're on level 37 on our way to the cesspool. Keep on posting!
Your most true friend,
E.S.
Goddamn! This thing just won't quit. Rofl! I.love.it!
lol, aFucking Men! this is brilliant!
Thank you Bob for bringing this topic to my attention. I haven't laughed this hard in ages.
Now, why can't I ever buy a box of animal crackers with the little smashed animals appearing to be having sex? I would love it.
And if those animal crackers were to be stuck together with that white cream they use to stick Oreos together...wouldn't that be interesting?
lmfao becky!
Hey Buckeye Fan, I still got some bags all resealed and ready to eat; sorry they're not fresh. You can hand some over to my buddy, Bob; he seems to be asucker for 'em. Ha Ha Ha!
Pass the word that beans and crackers make a bad tummy well.
I can get more for anyone who'd like some...
I'm amazed that you freaking guys are still having a ball over my eating habits, I mean, just look at how many posts this topic has received. Damn Bastards!
Won'tcha Get your heads outa the gutter already!
Oh my! rofl, Becky!
You should be happy your post has received so much attention. Most of the people who post would love to get this much attention.
So bring on the animal crackers and let's have a party. Hmmmm, Hey! What's that horse doing to that duck?
they're joined together pony style?
You folks are terrible. Mr/Ms Silence has a definite identification problem. hesheit doesn't know whether hesheit is a cookie, an elf or a fairy. I vote for the last, but...
Anyway, Becky, why'd you have to bring up the white gooy stuff? That's downright sick or sickening (what ever!).
YankeeGWolverine, that pony style crack of yours has got to be the worst pun--in fact, it's only two-thirds a pun ( p u).
However, where is silky sarah? She gets my vote for the funniest post so far. I want more poetry.
Hey Bob, watch yourself, or I'll send a gay ghost to haunt you.
Just so you know, that wasn't original poetry. I agree that it was by far the funniest post, but Shirley Temple sang it a long time ago. Hurrah for Sarah!
Cookies packaged, vacuum fashion.
Some entwined, depicting passion.
Leopard, lion, and tiger seem right,
So let's eat mating pussy tonight!
There's your poetry, Bob. If its not satisfactory, you know what you can do with the animal crackers!
Okay, folks, the gloves come off now.
JmBauer I tried your suggestion with the crackers, and I think one of them bit me. HOLY SHIT!
So, I tried a little poetry of my own, dedicated to the head poster child: Mr.Ms.Ug.
There once was an erie silence
Who deplored the sexual violence
He found in the box
With the cunts and the cocks
But, he found it a great cure for flatulence.
*leaves the board humming a little ditty, coyly scratching his crotch.
Bob
Bob and Jim, you have truly missed your callings. Both of you should be writing poetry for a living. Keep it up. I love this topic and all the laughter it has caused.
And Bob, stop scratching your crotch. Didn't your mom ever tell you that was not polite? Now go eat some animal crackers.
Bob and Becky: ahahahahahahaheheh! Long live this topic!
I apologize if I offended anyone by posting this topic. I never intended for it to get out of hand as it now has. I can't believe what a snow ball effect has come out of what was intended as a joke. You guys are just crazy! I've heard of having fun, but this is just too much for me. I don't want to get in trouble with the people on this site and now I know it was a mistake to have ever begun this post.
So, being a newcomer here, I'll be the first to step out of this madness. I'd like to continue in the fun, but I've become disgusted with how we're all attentive to such a filthy topic. I hope you guys will be as attentive to future posts of mine as you were to this one.
No hard feelings Bob, or anyone else.
I'll miss the fun, and especially tangling with you, blobby.
Your friend,
E.S.
P.S. FYI: I'm male heterosexual, as heterosexual as a male can come. Not that I have anything against homosexuals.
But but... E.S, I can't let this topic die. You've awaken something deep within me! Wait wait, maybe that's the beans? Bob, pass the animal crackers, preferably a pair in cunnilingus, please. And hurry...
Eerie Silence, you will not get in trouble for this topic. And most of us aren't really so filthy minded, we just like to have a good laugh. It's all in fun.
Now will someone please pull that donkey off that elephant?
wow, this is definitely so not funny. lol.
Erie Silence, let me assure you this is a mild topic. Check out some of the topics in the "let's talk" board, (one that comes to mind is "the zoner you most want to bang", or "which hand do you masturbate with". If that's not enough, stray over to the grafiti boards and see what's going on over there (blush).
Okay, I've been serious far too long, so here's another little ditty that I fear may be true. See if you recognize the song it was modeled after.
I went to the animal fair,
The birds and the bees were there.
The BuckEyed coon, by the light of the moon, was combing her auborn hairs.
A stomach it did sour, and it belonged to Jmbauer.
In cookies he sought relief,
But all he got was grief,
He only ate two beasts, but they soon increased,
And that was the end of Jim Bauer, Jmbauer, Jmbauer.
And that was the end of Jim Bauer, Jmbauer, Jmbauer.
Bob
ES I do apologize if you really thought i had a problem with you. In truth, if you were a male, or one who wanted to be a female or other way around, I honestly wouldn't care. It wouldn't have been my buisiness to know that, and if you were open enough to say yes I'm a man whanting to be a woman I'd support you. Ask a few posters like Becky and garret, I'm sure they would say i'm ninety percent good, ten percent evil. So I offer a handshake of friendship if you'll accept.
Madam Vel, I assure you that I knew all along that we were all joking. But now look at our fellow zoners, they don't stop! It worries me because I'm the one who posted this topic.
I also assure you that I'm 100% heterosexual; I love the ladies. That's why I decided to stop posting here: out of respect for the opposite sex.
I knew you had nothing against me personally, I mean, this whole board is a big joke, but perhaps a joke that spread like wildfire.
Man, you guys, stop already!
Okay, I'm going to be serious for a minute (in other words, no poetry).
I will stop posting out of deference to Erie Silence, but I do want him to know that this has been one of the most spontaneous and fun topics I've ever seen here. I, for one, never thought, nor expected, a serious word to be uttered in this topic. The tone from the outset was fun, and I think that's how everyone took it.
Anyway, thanks for a lot of fun folks.
Bob
Well, I have to say that this board topic was great for a laugh. I can't say how much it makes me laugh when I read it! I'm not sure if it was supposed to start out as a joke or not, but it certainly was hilarious!
Bob, agreed. Maybe it's just me, but I have a sneaking suspicion that posts 53 and 59 were delivered in as much jest as the original topic.
Eerie Silence, please stop apologizing for this topic . If anyone has been offended, they don't have a sense of humor. This has been great fun and I have enjoyed both reading and posting to this topic.
Becky
This has probably been the most amusing lots of laughter topic I've ever seen on this site.
Troy
This is without a doubt the most hysterical thing I've read on this site. It.must.not.die.
well
.
.
.
crunch!
Sorry, couldn't help myself.
I will not post, but....
* Bob leaves struggling with his conscience.
hmm. what's in the pantry today? Ahh yes! Animal cwackers!
lol, christ on an animal cracker! wow, why the fuck would you be sorry for quite possibly the funnest board to read since the zoner you want/don't want to bang...
I'm going to the store today to look for animal crackers. I hope those little animals are having lots of fun in the box before I eat them. LOL
Crunch, crunch.
Bob, get your hand out of your pocket and wipe that smile off your face.
Becky, that's not my hand, it's a mouse... no, it's two mouses... no, it's four...
Bob
So you offended a few people. They'll get over it, really, it wont' kill them. That's how the animal cracker crumbles.
A donkey on top of an elephant? Sounds political to me, but I don't think I'll go there.
LOL Godzilla. I wasn't even thinking politically when I wrote that. But somehow it's even funnier now.
Beats an elephant on top of a donkey.
CRUNCH!!!
Bob
wow funny shit!
Ohh Jesus ... finally someone pointlessly brings back a board that was actually fantastic when it was new. Lmao, I'd forgotten about this. Still makes me laugh like a retard. Rask made such fun boards, ahaha.
omg...just lmao. Seriously. This is probably one of the most hilarious boards I've ever seen.
i was eating animal crackers a couple weeks ago and the hippo had a penis.
This is a classic! Rask, I love you. LOL